Blog of Norman Ralph

Today I tried to commit suicide. Not successfully as you may have guessed and I didn’t really try that hard. I stood in the middle of the main road in Leeds and waited for the buses/cars/vans to hit me. Not a very good idea as they don’t go all that fast down there.

The experience was odd though, I have only tried to commit suicide once before and that led me to see someone about the problems I was having. I am still seeing some one. It occurred to me that the reasons I was standing in the middle of that road were bizarre. It was becuase I had upset someone close to me. However, I wasn’t killing myself for them. I was killing myself because I realised I wasn’t upset about the fact I had upset them. Why?

I love this person to pieces, more than I love my own family. In fact in many ways this person is the only person I truly love and will probably ever truly love. We will also never be romantically engaged. We are also really bad for each other. Most of my emotioanl problems are exacerbated by her. I try my hardest to be there for her and I always fail. I will never be good enough for her. Ever.

I wouldn’t normally share this with you, I tend to keep this sort of thing very close to my chest. I think it is imprtant, however, to share my conclusions with you. I have decided that me and this person can never live successfully side by side. One day, one of us will drive the other to suicide. How can anyone live with that? She is the source of much of my joy and I hope I am the same for her. Is this shortlived joy worth it? I have come to the ultimate conclusion that it is not. Which upsets me, rather than the fact that I caused pain to someone I love.

I hope this feeling of depression lifts, it is not nice. My friends cannot help, or they don’t know how to help and it is more than I can reasonably ask of them.

If this upsets you then I am sorry. Please do not ask for more detail or information. I will explain to those who need to know in good time.

Thanks for listening.